Steadfast Love vs. Giddy Infatuation

I got married while I was still young and dumb. I didn’t fully know what I was getting myself into, and I am glad. If I had known all that was ahead of us, I would have still wept on my wedding day, but for totally different reasons.

Many people told us we were too young to make such a huge decision. Well, here we are twenty two years later. Gone are the giddy, shallow feelings of romance. Instead you will find in us, deep appreciation and stubborn love.

Selfish heart? Get married.

During most of our early years, we expected a level of perfection from each other. Of course, this wasn’t realistic, so we were often disappointed. I wanted to be swept of my feet, and he wanted me to simply sweep. I wanted love and romance, but blocking our way was usually my pregnant belly or vomiting kids. Or both. He had a crazy work and school schedule and felt like he was in survival mode most of the time.

I quickly realized that while dating was bliss, marriage was plain hard work. How shocking it was to find out that we had different ideas about what a fun day looked like. We saw things very differently much of the time. We had to learn to meet in the middle and compromise. Not only that, but our God-given personalities are very different. I am go with the flow, and he is a well oiled machine that never veers from his routine. Still, God joined us together, and we were going to have to work this thing out. Sometimes we felt like the joke was on us as we scrapped our way through.

People seem more afraid than ever to commit to marriage. They should be afraid, but they should do it anyway. It’s the best thing that ever happened to my selfish heart. People are reluctant to lay down their lives, desires, resources and freedom for another person. Our culture is becoming more self-focused than ever, and people want to be sure they will benefit from marriage. They don’t go into it wondering how they can serve their spouse. Fewer people ask how they can serve others or give to a relationship. But the more kinks you work out in your marriage, the more satisfaction you will feel with each other. Even the frustrations will seem less aggravating as you accept you are both sinners who are leaning on God.

Learn from each other

I often feel sorry Scott has to deal with my high level of anxiety. Why did God see fit to give him a wife who struggles in this way? A few years ago, I think he would have felt sorry for himself as well. But now he tells me it’s okay, because God uses it in his life to make him more caring and understanding. He reminds me that neither of us are perfect, and we both have to be gracious and forgiving. There is no good apart from God, and any loving action we show each other is a result of His goodness in our lives.

It’s easy to nit pic each other and focus on all of the things we wish we could change about each other. But that fact is, nobody has arrived. You might think someone else would make you happier or calmer or more satisfied. That’s just a lie. The truth of the matter is that every other person will drive you crazy at some point.

Love each other despite how you feel

I was putting fertilizer on my plants yesterday and thinking about all of the rough patches Scott and I went through to get to where we are. We certainly went through a lot, but the fruit that is now blossoming is nothing short of beautiful. The man who used to infuriate me, is now so precious to me. Don’t give up. Keep loving each other despite what you feel. Know that God is faithful and will stand in the gap for you as you find your way through. He will use both of your shortcomings to produce good things in your lives. It’s a brilliant plan.

I am glad I married before I knew better, because growing and learning with Scott has been so good. I’d choose steadfast love over giddy infatuation any day. Less and less, do I hold expectation over my husband’s head, because I know God is working on him and making him into the man he created him to be. Two imperfect people expecting perfection from each other does not work. Offering grace instead of punishment is a much better way to experience intimacy with your spouse.

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