3 Reasons Marriage Isn’t for Sissies
I am now in my second decade of marriage. It has been amazing. It has also been blood, sweat and tears. I feel pretty proud of myself when I stop to think about it. We have come a long way. I imagine it’s the same feeling a mountain climber experiences when he reaches the summit, or a cage fighter after a few rounds in the ring. (Okay, maybe not that extreme.) I do know that marriage takes work, and it is not for the faint of heart.
The wedding day is a wonderful beginning, but it doesn’t resemble the real deal. You get to wake up day after day and live out the beautiful, heart-wrenching fairy tale that you waited your whole life to start. It’s not for sissies! Here are three reasons why:
1. Sometimes it sucks
I’m sorry. I wish is wasn’t so. But there are inevitably those “desert moments” in your marriage—when it’s just plain miserable. It’s dry and lonely, as far as your eye can see. The hot sun is beating down on you and you are thirsty but you ran out of water long ago. You are tired and wonder if you can make it much further. You wipe your brow, and drag yourself through the scorching sand, looking for the oasis. Because you know it exists. You have been there, and have sat on the bank with your feet in the cool water, enjoying the refreshing blueness. You remember it well, and so it keeps you going. When there was happiness in your marriage and things were good. When it didn’t seem like work at all, and you felt close and connected to each other.
We endure the tough times in our marriages because we know there is eventually another oasis. The peaceful times ebb and flow and wind around our chaotic, difficult times. While in the dry spots, we reflect on God’s faithfulness, and know He changed us while we trudged along. That gives us strength to keep going. And it replaces despair with hopefulness.
2. It takes tremendous dedication
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a decision to stay to the finish line. In today’s culture, staying dedicated is extra challenging. We move from fad to fad. We return items, cancel subscriptions, and find loopholes. Things come and go so easily now. When marriage feels suddenly boring, we can’t get up and just change the channel. We have to work at it. We might feel like quitting, but we all know that great things come with effort. And as God changes and matures us, we find deep satisfaction in the progress. It’s exciting when we clear a hurdle that only a few months back would have left us flat on our faces. Be excited over the changes. Even if we are moving slowly forward, it’s still progress. Over time, the initial feelings of “falling in love” lessen, but our connection to each other will deepen as we build our lives together. I like what C. S. Lewis says about the ups and downs of marriage in Mere Christianity:
“People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change—not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamor will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one…”
3. You can’t pretend
This can be such a shocking experience. Before marriage we can skate by, just putting our best foot forward. We show people only what we want them to see. After marriage, there is no where to hide. All of the layers are peeled back, and our true selves shine though. And sometimes, it ain’t pretty. We hope we will be accepted, because that is what we all long for; to be loved in spite of our flaws. Do you want to know what is incredibly romantic? To be loved because of a promise, not because of performance. Love isn’t a bunch of affectionate feelings, it’s a decision to act unselfishly. The more loving we act, the more we will love. The more we invest, the closer we will become. Jesus loved us when we were far from lovely. He stayed and he loved. We keep serving, forgiving, accepting, and reconciling…again and again. Tim Keller says it well:
“To be loved and not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved, is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.”
As you walk through this process of loving unconditionally, continue to draw near to God for strength. Marriage takes a lot of effort, but God won’t make you walk alone. He is there to see you through and give you what you need.
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