The Words That Hurt Him the Most
I know exactly where most of my husband’s wounds are—his most sensitive insecurities. I don’t know where all of them are rooted, and some of them don’t even make sense, but I know about them nonetheless.
I remember when I really figured this out—the hard way, of course. Responses were flying back and forth, not nice ones. We were both tired from wedding planning, frustrated with drama, and angry because . . . well I don’t even remember. What I do remember is that he made a very valid point towards his argument, and I didn’t like it.
“Yeah, OK, Mr. JCPenney.”
Ouch. I felt my heart jump. I saw his whole demeanor shift. I had hit him where it really hurt.
He was working hard. He was in Fire Academy, he was in school, and he was working the 4 a.m.–12 p.m. shift stocking shelves at JCPenney. Not anything to be ashamed of—he was and still is a very hard worker. But he was a little embarrassed each time someone asked him “what he did for a living.” And even though I knew he had no reason to be embarrassed, I knew he was. Yet I let those words fly out before I had one second to think about what I was saying.
I don’t gain anything from rude remarks
I didn’t gain anything from that remark. All I had to show for it was the sad look on his face and a memory I could never change. I knew exactly where his insecurities were, and I used them against him.
I’m sure your husband has those insecurities too. I’m sure you know exactly what they are. Sometimes, in order to feel like we’re “winning,” or proving that we’re “stronger,” we hit them where it really hurts—without even thinking.
But those words still haunt me. In fact, Kyle probably got over it quicker than I did. Because I know I can never take those words back. Yes, asking for forgiveness is extremely important, but I could avoid so many instances requiring forgiveness if I’d just hold my tongue. No matter how sweet an insult might seem, it’s not. In the moment, it’s so hard for me not to just lash out right then and there. But I’ve learned that the best remedy for anger is a little bit of silence, a lot of prayer, and as much consideration as I can manage. Sometimes “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” comes in handy, too.
You know your husband the best. You know the words that would hurt him the most. Don’t use that against him. Instead, try to see things his way. Find those insecurities and work on building him up in those areas.
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