To the Wife Who’s Ready to Run: a Response to Backlash

I wrote a post last year called, To The Wife Who’s Ready to Run. It has been shared nearly fifty-thousand times, but it has also created a little bit of backlash. Some people think it was an unrealistic load of crap.

Some have written me, asking me what I think about women being abused. Of course I am against abuse. But 2/3 of marriages that crumble are due to low conflict. People brush problems under the rug, ignore the issues and each other, and then turn around one day and feel like strangers. The husband usually closes off emotions, and then the wife runs to find someone who will listen to her and love her. It’s a classic recipe for disaster.

I would like to promise you this:

I know what it’s like to find yourself in a marriage that appears to be going down in flames. I am not kidding you. I know you are tempted to think I am clueless. But you can’t argue with experience. You can’t shake your head at me as if I haven’t any idea what others actually live. I get it. I know it can be really difficult.

My husband and I have hurt each other immensely. We have been such idiots. We have wanted to run, trust me. We still hit bumps that throw us, and make us question what the heck we are doing. But we don’t want to cut the anchor.

We don’t want to lose the legacy we have created. We want to hang on to hope, knowing that God is good, and that He cares about our marriage. I am so proud of us for staying, to be quite honest.

Those closest to us know how many hurdles we have jumped and how many mountains we have scaled. I know if they are reading this they are nodding a giant “YES” right now. While things aren’t perfect, we are still here. Mr. and Mrs. Lindsey. And that is not changing. So you all will just have to deal with our craziness if you want to be our friends.

We are all kinds of crazy.

We fight and argue. We struggle. We say stupid things. Do you hear me? It is dysfunctional, because aren’t we all? It’s difficult. It’s depressing. And then, we round a corner and we see a glimmer of hope.We have great moments, and then we feel like failures.

Are we straight out of a romance movie? Sometimes. Do we go days just tolerating each other? Yes. It’s a roller coaster some days. We are fighting, but at least we are fighting for the same thing. For each other and for our kids. Yes, kids suffer when parents fight. (I suffer when they fight.)

Make a point to let them see you apologize to each other. It’s a valuable lesson, learning how to forgive, so show them frequently.

Regarding abuse:

If you are being abused emotionally or physically, then yes, run. Run and seek help. I am not suggesting you stay and get beaten down. I am not suggesting you should let your kids suffer in this kind of situation. That post was for the marriage that is on the rocks. The marriage hanging by a thread, dealing with issues that don’t involve abusive behavior. I have often shared June Hunt’s resources for women in that situation.

Tim Keller says it so simply,

Actions of love lead to feelings of love.

It’s true. There came a time when I decided I was going to love my husband with everything in me. The more I step out in faith and love him well, the MORE I ACTUALLY LOVE HIM.

You tell your heart which direction to go

Do not let your heart lead you by the nose. Your heart is fickle. You wouldn’t want your true love to look at you and say, “My heart is telling me to look elsewhere. Goodbye.” It sounds nice to follow your heart, until you are on the other side of the conversation, the one being left. Then, it’s not such a great rule to live by.

I can safely say, I love my husband more now than ever. I was looking at him the other day, and I was stunned over his beautiful face. I just kept looking at him until he finally asked me if I was OK. My eyes teared up because I was so glad we were sitting there in that moment. Together. Living life. I didn’t tell him what I was thinking, but if he reads this, “I am so glad we fight for us, Scott. Thank you for never giving up.”

And I say this AFTER all of the pain and hurt.

I say this and mean it with all of my heart—he is the only one I want holding my hand when we are bent with age. I am willing to take the chance of having have the marriage we always dreamed of. Call me a risk taker, but that makes life more exciting.

So if I can love, despite the pitfalls and bleakness, then maybe you can too. That is all I wanted to tell you. I know I am ringing the same bell over and over. Singing the same tune. Forgive me, but it’s hard to not shout it from the roof top after seeing it happen not only in my marriage, but others.

I have friends who are currently choosing to love in spite of an obvious bad marriage, and they would tell you that God is changing them in mighty ways, even on a personal level. And for the record, they are the ones I go to when I most need support.

It’s easy to love the lovely.

But there are times when I am the one who isn’t acting very lovely, and I want to know that Scott will love me through those moments, just like I am willing to do for him. Loving through the mistakes, rudeness, and failures. If you need to seek counseling, then do it. If your spouse won’t go, then go alone. Some of the best marriage counseling appointments happened when I was there alone. Shockingly, I had plenty to work on myself. Imagine that!

So I stand by my original message. Don’t bolt. Try committing actions of love and just see what happens. It’s a bold move, but well worth the try. I understand why you would send me hate mail. It sounds so crazy, to return good for evil. But God does that for me each day. Go figure.

I know I made some of you angry at me, but I can only share what I have lived. I am as surprised as anyone.

You might be surprised, too.