Being “Good” Doesn’t Cut It
I spent many years trying to be a good Christian. I wholeheartedly thought that by acting or dressing a certain way, I would gain God’s favor. As a teenager I was often frustrated by my stupid mistakes, and felt that God would surely remove Himself from me. I lived each day with a measure of fear inside of me. That fear kept me in check and ensured I would not mess up too badly. When I was reading my bible a lot and doing great things for God’s kingdom, I felt safe. I convinced myself that being obedient and faithful would save me, but felt like I was always walking on eggshells, always wondering if I had blown it.
When I got married, I tried to be a wife and mother that God expected me to be. I decided I could create a tiny little heaven on earth in my home where nobody misbehaved or failed. I cooked healthy meals, I homeschooled our kids and I never missed going to church. I tried to be a good daughter, sister and friend. I helped stray animals and I fed wandering kids in the neighborhood. I was doing so many wonderful things but still didn’t feel worthy. Was it because I wasn’t supposed to find satisfaction and value in my good deeds?
Failure equaled shame and guilt
If I failed, or felt I was missing the mark in my marriage or while mothering my children, I shouldered a heavy amount of guilt. In order to combat this guilt, I would try my best to work harder and prove myself worthy. I found better devotionals, I made our own butter and poured it into cute little strawberry shaped molds, and I bought pretty nightgowns to wear to bed. I tried to be a better wife and a more loving mother. I worked harder, yet felt so unsatisfied with all of my results. It didn’t matter how many kids I had, or how many modest and out of style dresses I owned. It also didn’t matter how well behaved and helpful I was to my family and friends, I still felt lacking.
We wear masks to hide our failure because we want others to think we are succeeding. We try to convince others that we are indeed Godly and acceptable. We care about what others see in our lives and feel judged be others, including our Christian friends. We put unfair expectations on our spouses because we want them to prove themselves as well. All of this is wasted effort and we quickly burn out. We even turn on each other when we feel let down. But the thing is, we are not in a work contract with God. He isn’t impressed by our home-made bread or our iPods filled with Christian music. He is pleased by His Son, and what He accomplished on the cross. Our best just isn’t good enough and never will be. I am a little bit relieved because I was getting so tired out.
Just relax . . .
Take the pressure off of yourself and off of your spouse, knowing that God’s grace is lavished upon you. It covers all of your shortcomings and allows you to go before your Father in heaven with confidence. I was so thankful once I realized I didn’t have to work my way into God’s favor. When we believe our good actions equal our righteousness, we can easily fall into the trap of competing with those around us. We start to find pleasure in outshining one another, and that never ends well. Self righteousness is hurtful and destroys relationships. We form cliques and choose to hang out with others that resemble us and resemble our children. It’s a way to control our environment and feel better about ourselves, but we miss out on many valuable friendships. God doesn’t want us to sit around and boast about how awesome we are.
He is the only One who deserves the glory. The God of all the universe humbled himself and exchanged His glory for our filthy rags. He conquered death and now lives in us, giving us new life. Instead of spinning my wheels, trying to be good enough, I simply stand still and offer thanks for who I am, not what I do.
Grace in my marriage
How does this pertain to my marriage? I spend my days differently. I no longer feel the frantic desire to prove my worth. I am free to offer grace and understanding to my husband when he needs it. We remind each other of the gospel and how it is at work in our lives. I love the man God is creating my husband to be, not just the man he is today. I see the larger picture of sanctification at work in both of our lives and rest a lot easier. I know that God has a plan for us, and is bringing us through some tough times for a reason. I have empathy for others who are struggling because I also struggle. It’s okay to drop the facade and let others see our own weaknesses. It’s what will draw people to you. They will love you for being real with them.
I now know my worth is in Jesus, not my fabulous self. My life will not be weighed on a scale of good versus bad one day. He stays the same regardless of my good and bad behavior. I will not slide into heaven by the skin of my teeth. He’s not some Santa in the sky, keeping track of who was naughty and who was nice. My Father will look at me and see the righteousness of Christ, and that will be all that matters. He rescued me and He keeps me safe in his Hand. There is nothing that can snatch me away from Him. Not my own sin, not bad circumstances, not the enemy, or even death. You are accepted, loved and forgiven. There isn’t anything you have to do to earn this status, or sustain it. Now that is am amazing love story, isn’t it?
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ.” —Ephesians 1 7-9
