3 Ways to Form a Circle of Trust Around Your Marriage
I recently talked with a couple who have been married for over forty years. I asked them to please tell me their secret to their success. The wife told me instantly, “We formed a small of circle of close friends right away, and we help each other through everything.” The husband nodded in agreement.
Marriages are failing at an alarming rate. I get frightened at times, wondering if we will ever find ourselves in a place too low or dark to get out of. Thankfully, we have been very intentional in some areas. We have found effective ways to strengthen our marriage. These methods are not cutesy ideas, they are tried and true, tested in the middle of very difficult situations.
1. Stay Teachable
We don’t have it all figured out and most people don’t. That means letting go of images and removing masks. Admit that you need the wisdom from those who have already crossed the rivers you are currently stumbling across. There is nothing new under the sun, and that includes any problem you are facing in your marriage, so let others speak into your life. This is true in all aspects of life, especially marriage.
2. Be Real
I don’t mean you have to tell the world your problems in a status update. But I do mean have a couple of people you are open with. I have a few of these friends, and it is so refreshing being able to just say it like it is. I don’t have to catch them up to speed, because we are on the same page and are there for each other. I have figured out a little secret. I don’t wait for them to ask me how I am doing, I just tell them. Women sometimes tell me they feel like nobody cares about them. I say, start the ball rolling and see how fast others start caring. People are drawn to others when they are approachable and real. It may be out of your comfort zone, but if you are open with a friend you can trust, it can be the start of a fantastic, life-giving, relationship!
3. Don’t Isolate
It’s easy to withdraw when you are going through a hard time. I think this can make things so much worse. If you are going through a real struggle, talk to your pastor or an elder and ask for some support. Be at church each week. Join a small group. God doesn’t mean for us to walk this life on our own. As Christians, we are in a community of believers and are supposed to help each other out.
I see tremendous growth in our marriage, but we still struggle over conflict resolution. What I really mean by “struggling with conflict resolution,” is that we are pathetic at ending arguments. We don’t really want to hug and say sorry. Sometimes we just go to bed, backs turned, steam rising up to the ceiling. Then I remember that Proverbs tell us to not let the sun go down on our anger and start to get all anxious over that. I find myself saying, “We have to stop being angry right now, it’s dark outside DO NOT go to bed mad at me… WAKE UP!” That almost never works. Okay, it never works. The pressure over “kissing and making up” was really starting to stress me out.
I decided to ask two of the wisest women I know how they resolve conflict in their marriages. This is the gist of what they shared with me:
It’s ok to let it rest for the night. We usually say worse things when we are tired, and any situation can be better discussed after some sleep. I don’t have to go to bed angry, no matter what the situation is. I can lay my head down on that pillow, and forgive away without saying a word. I can even apologize, not expecting anything in return, and go to sleep. The next day, I will be more capable of sharing my heart without tiredness taking over my mouth and making things worse.
I tried this a time or two and it actually worked. I am grateful for women who have good insight and are willing to share their wisdom with others. Having a “Circle Of Trust” can be crucial to the health of some marriages. Reaching out for help when you find yourself treading water is the best thing you can do. When you are compassionate towards the needs of your friends, you are reflecting God’s love for us. We help each other, because He rescued us. We love one another, because we are so loved.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. —Galatians 6:2
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