Why Don’t I Get What I Deserve?
I’ve been wronged. I don’t deserve this. How unfair.
These are the thoughts that pour through my head when someone causes me distress. When Kyle says something that doesn’t sit well with me, I quickly begin thinking about all of the things I deserve. I linger on how things should have been said—the words Kyle should have said to me. I, me, I want, I deserve…in that moment it’s all about me.
All of the wonderful things I’ve done for him rush to the forefront of my mind, leaving behind all of the mistakes I’ve made—leaving them far, far behind. In fact, sometimes I forget them all together. After all, I’m perfect…right? I left that nice note for him the other day. I got up early to put dinner in the crockpot. I told him how proud of him I am.
It’s funny how down on myself I can be at times, yet as soon as I know I’ve truly done something wrong I go into defense mode. It becomes the battle of When was the last time you did something nice for me?, When was the last time you did the dishes?, and other silly little arguments that I create in order to deflect the fact that I’m in the wrong. Instead of taking a step back and looking at how I’m acting, I start filling my mind with all of the things I believe I rightfully deserve—and that works me up even more.
The thing is, I don’t deserve anything.
If Kyle treated me exactly how I deserve, all the time, things would be a lot worse. If I got what I deserved, I wouldn’t have found such an amazing man to spend my life with at the age of 16. I wouldn’t have a family that has always loved me unconditionally, and I surely wouldn’t have a heavenly father who has forgiven me for my sins.
When those thoughts of what we “rightfully deserve” begin raging through our minds, both inside and outside of marriage, it’s time to take a step back and think about what we actually deserve—not much.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” —Ephesians 2:8-9
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[Photo Credit: Tambako]
