Why You Shouldn’t Assume (and How I Learned the Hard Way)
I finished grocery shopping and was on my way home. I pulled up to the red light and instantly noticed a man to my right, bundled up in a tattered coat. He was hopping from side to side a little, most likely trying to stay warm in the frigid cold. His face looked red and wind chapped and he had on a small stocking cap.
I felt awful for him as I thought about what was waiting for me at my house. A lovely fireplace, soup for dinner, my children happily making cookies. I felt so bad for this man, all alone on the night before Christmas. I knew giving him a few dollars wouldn’t erase his pain, but it made me feel better knowing he could at least go buy himself a warm meal, if he chose to do so.
I’ll never forget what happened next…
I inched closer to where he was standing and rolled down the window. He looked a little confused as I held my hand out to him. He seemed afraid to take the money. We sat there looking at each other for a few seconds. I started to feel a little awkward. He squinted his eyes and said, “I am not homeless. I am crossing the street to go to the mall to watch a movie with friends.”
I couldn’t believe it. I felt like a total idiot. I should have laughed at the absurdity, but I felt too shocked. I had decided so many things about this man, none of which were true. He backed away from the van and started to cross the street and I sat there with my mouth open and blinking. After looking more closely, I saw that his clothing wasn’t as bad as I had first thought. He had most likely spend a lot of money on that hand-knit hat and his sweater looked pretty nice as well. It was probably free-trade and organic, knowing the people in Bellingham.
He probably worked hard putting together that outfit. There I was, forming more ideas about things I had no knowledge of.
Assuming. It rarely ends well. Especially in marriage.
Assuming your husband’s thoughts
Sometimes I decide exactly what Scott is thinking and feeling before he even says a word. I then tell him all of the reasons I disagree with his perspective. Yes, before he even shares it. This is not a great way to communicate. Even if I happen to be right about his thoughts, it’s still a risky method because he would much prefer to be a part of the conversation. Women seem to be intuitive by nature, so it’s an easy trap to fall into. Sometimes I have to stop and laugh, because I get so mad at my spouse over what he is thinking and before I know it, I am seeing red. It’s as productive as getting mad at him for something he did in a dream I had the during the night.
What is the better way? Well, in our case, it’s as simple as listening more closely before I talk. It means that one person is not the lawyer, the jury and the judge all rolled into one. I am not the expert on my husband’s thoughts and emotions anymore than he is of mine. Like I tell my kids, “God gave you two ears and one mouth for good reason.” Sometimes (almost always) it’s hard to bite my tongue, but when I do, we communicate better because I have more than just my wild imagination to go on. Sometimes, the truth isn’t as aggravating as my storyline. Good communication always brings down the tension a few notches.
I guess that is why God tells us in 1 Corinthians that “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Sometimes we just have to believe, hope, and endure! Because what is the alternative? Questioning motives and pointing fingers just makes our days full of strife. It’s easier to let God be God and trust that He will make all things right.
We can’t force the truth out of anyone, so we just have to believe and hope, and rest in God’s goodness, knowing that He has our best in mind. He has the benefit of seeing the big picture, so I don’t have to figure it all out.
