2015 was hard.
January brought an infertility diagnosis. February brought surgery for my grandpa to remove his lung cancer.
March brought a surgery gone wrong for my aunt, which left us pleading for her life.
April brought a positive pregnancy test. May brought lots of puking and anxiety, and on my birthday, the devastating loss of our tiny little baby, whom we later found out was a girl.
June brought a lot of crying and soul searching and trying to feel OK. July brought a lot of confusion between my husband and I as we dealt with our loss and tried to look to the future.
Late August brought us another positive pregnancy test (!!). Joy, thankfulness, and anticipation. September and October brought us waiting and hoping.
November and December brought us ER visits, scares, and doctor visits. Hearing things like “Baby looks good, but there are a couple things to keep an eye on”, referrals, tests, and anxiousness.
More and more waiting and hoping. The continual lengthening of the rope I was already at the end of. Tiny bits of just the right amount of strength given only by Jesus. Sweet little baby kicks from our son.
It’s been a roller coaster. I wanted to send out cute little Christmas cards with a baby announcement–our smiling faces and all. But this year has been a constant uphill battle and I’m nothing less than exhausted. Immensely grateful, but exhausted.
The first half of last year, as so many family members were struggling, we nervously joked that 2015 was cursed and we couldn’t wait for the clock to strike midnight on New Year’s Day. Surely 2016 had to be easier!
…until 2016 began with me being unexpectedly laid off from my job of six years.
But truly, when I look back at 2015 as a whole, it wasn’t full of curses, but full of redemption and learning to trust God. 2015 forced me to be honest with him about my fears, hopes, disappointments, and everything in between.
Both my grandpa and my aunt made it through those scary times.
Even though we knew it could be a lasting result of my brain tumor, we weren’t, in fact, infertile. Our little daughter is rejoicing with Jesus.
Though it looked like my miscarriage had possibly turned to cancer, it hadn’t. My surgery was successful and without any complications. We were cleared to try again quicker than we expected. Kyle and I grew so much closer this summer as we grieved the loss of our little one. I came to realize more and more how blessed I am to be married to this man.
And, absolutely miraculously enough, this year God has blessed us with our sweet son. We feel so undeserving of this beautiful gift! He’s already growing big, and as usual, doing karate kicks in my belly. (Continued prayers for our boy and this pregnancy are greatly appreciated!)
I’m still not sure what’s to come of the no job thing (other than taking care of this babe and writing more here!), but hey, if you know of any remote marketing/editing/writing jobs, send them my way. 🙂
The future is unknown. This pregnancy is terrifying right after a miscarriage and a heck of a year. My anxiety has been such that each week I wanted to announce our miraculous news here on the blog, I found myself even more overwhelmed. Pregnancy after loss is an unexpected mix of emotions. I simply got myself from appointment to appointment, prayed over my boy, and tried to keep down as much food and liquid as possible.
But we do have so much hope for this miracle baby of ours. We can’t wait to see his beautiful face and to have the amazing opportunity to raise him up in Christ.
I want to teach him that even in the roughest of years, God still gives good gifts. That we still see redemption and grace intertwined. And that even during the years where time and time again, we utterly fail to trust him, he doesn’t love us any less.
I want him to know that life is hard, but it doesn’t mean God isn’t good. It just means that we can’t see the whole picture, and that this isn’t Heaven.
God is always good, and he gives very good gifts. Even in 2015, and even in 2016. Sometimes it just depends on how you look at it. Because every single year is filled with both disappointments and huge blessings, but his grace always remains. His mercies are new every DAY, not just every year.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’” –Lamentations 3:22-24
Have a blessed 2016, dear friends. I think ours will be pretty amazing too. <3