Dealing with Disappointment in Marriage

Sometimes things just don’t meet our expectations.

I haven’t talked to my husband in days. He is on a business trip to Singapore and I took the kids camping in Canada. That makes cell phone usage a little tricky. It’s so strange to be cut off from all forms of communication. This total separation reminds me of when he was in Korea for two years. It was before email, Skype, Facebook, and texting. All we had was a once-a-month phone call that cost us one hundred dollars for 30 minutes. We had to just love each other from afar, and wait. Dating a guy on another continent in the 1990s was like dating a guy on the moon.

Being apart for two years didn’t line up with my expectations of a perfect relationship, but it is what we had to do. We wrote a lot of letters. I received a letter a day for two years. He had to number them so if they arrived late, I could read them in order. He proposed to me in the mail. It took three weeks for the letter to arrive, and three weeks for me to accept. We got married while he was on mid-tour and after we had Tayler, he left again for a year. Again, not really what I had imagined for us.

So much of our heartache, anxiety and even anger, is a result of shattered expectations.

It’s hard to live that way, because we can’t control how people treat us, or what life throws at us. What we can control, is how we respond to things. When Scott was gone, I didn’t fight against it, but just tried to make the best of it. We have to constantly shift and rearrange our plans because life comes at us fast.

I like to freak out when things get difficult, and Scott likes to remind me we aren’t in Heaven yet. We are on earth, and it’s work. One day, every day will be perfect. Until then, I have to find a way to cope with disappointment. Is there a way to live this life, and navigate through all of the chaos and loss with peace-filled hearts?

Recently, I was wasting time of Facebook, and I ran across a status update that maybe changed my life. It said,

“Expect nothing, be grateful for everything.”

A giant light bulb above my head clicked on, and I honestly started to put this to practice in my marriage. Instead of being grouchy that Scott isn’t reading the script I wrote for him in my head, I started being thankful for who he is, and what God is making him to be. It takes a lot of pressure off when we are both thankful for each other, instead of trying to “get things” from each other. We can then enjoy intimacy with each other, without fear of being constantly criticized. Becoming grateful is the perfect antidote for bitter disappointment.

“Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” —Ephesians 5:20

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