Advice for the Harsh Wife

I recently found a journal entry from my seven-year-old self. It read, “I feel bad for my brother and I’m surprised!”

That’s pretty much my personality in a nutshell.

I’ve always been, well, empathetically challenged. Even as a wife, it’s something I struggle with. Especially when Kyle’s upset over small(er) things—like researching and picking out a new computer (that his parents bought him for his birthday), waiting two weeks for it to arrive, eagerly opening it, throwing away the box, gathering the necessary cords and accessories, going to put it together a few days later, and finding out that the computer is totally. and. completely. dead.

Throw your “natural tendancy” out the window

My natural tendency would be to see it in the grand scheme of things and tell him life isn’t fair.

(I may have even laughed a little when it wouldn’t work. I hate it, but I tend to laugh in crazy situations like that. Like, really? Out of all the thousands of new computers in warehouses across the country [and world], we get shipped the dud?)

He was extremely stressed. The site it was purchased from wouldn’t let us return it (because he threw away the box), and he was kicking the week-prior Kyle like he reaaaaaally deserved it.

He was being a little . . . touchy . . . so I decided to leave him be.

As I was sitting there—feeling the steam from his ears rise up the stairs—I was trying to imagine how I’d feel in that situation. Yes, it was most definitely a #firstworldproblem, but he was super disappointed nonetheless. And as I tried to put myself in his shoes, I realized I’d probably be freaking out even more than him. I do have a short fuse and a ready fire—trying to work on that.

Low and behold . . . I started feeling empathy. And I swear he instantly saw the empathy in my eyes. It was like I had flipped a switch in his mind. He was a little less grouchy, and a little more patient. We tracked down the warranty—that we happened not to do throw away—called the support team, got an email with the shipping info, and it was back in the mail the next day.

Sometimes you have to make yourself sympathize

It was definitely a bummer. And no, it wasn’t a huge deal. Years down the road, I don’t think he’ll even remember it. But I do think that each time I take his side and help him figure things out, it builds a stronger bond and a sense of trust that lasts.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” —Colossians 3:12–14

Even if it doesn’t affect you, even if you think he’s sad over nothing, even if you don’t think you’d act the the same way in his shoes . . . try to empathize. Try to think of what your equivalent would be. Try to help. You might be surprised by how far a little positivity could go.