Why I Stopped Trying to Change My Husband

Change is from the outside in

Trying to come up with New Year’s resolutions and ways to improve myself is exhausting. And the only thing more tiring than changing myself, is trying to change my husband. It used to be so tempting. I tried for years, but never succeeded.

I finally had to accept that fact that I cannot change my spouse. It’s not up to me to force progress when it comes to my husband. I think we often feel we can make our husbands act better, feel stronger, and make us happier. First off, my husband cannot by my source of joy, and putting that kind of pressure on him is too stressful for both of us.

I spent years feeling bitter towards him for not trying harder in different areas. I wanted him to be more patient and more touchy-feely. I wanted him to listen to me talk, and discuss emotional things. I had ideas about how he should father or lead our family. The funny thing is, I haven’t been very successful at improving myself. I am sure Scott has a list of things he wishes he could make happen. So where exactly does change come from? I don’t think it’s  from within—it’s an outside job. If it’s up to me, I am sure I would always serve my own interests and do things that made me feel satisfied. My heart is more concerned with comfort and self-centeredness; and that doesn’t help my marriage at all.

Thankfully, God is the one who creates a new heart in me and changes me in a way that brings Him glory and strengthens my marriage.

Becoming grateful for God’s work in your life

Once I let this truth sink in, I am free to be patient, pray, and wait for God to do a good work in my spouse, knowing He is faithful and good. This relieves a lot of tension between us because we understand that we both have flaws and need grace and forgiveness. Looking back, I see we have grown closer to God and to each other. I see that we are both less selfish and more gracious. We had to go through lots of growing pains, but we have come through it changed. I must be maturing a little, because now when we go through stressful times I relax a little knowing that good will come of it.

In the path of obedience, all suffering produces good things. It’s hard to believe when you are feeling the weight of hardship bearing down on you, but you will find wisdom and a deeper love for God and others once you have made it through. You will feel a deep thankfulness for what you have learned and gained in the process.

Trusting God to create new things

Instead of torturing myself with guilt over failing my New Year Resolutions, I will rest knowing that God is working in my life despite my mess-ups. He is my worth and nothing I do well will outshine Him. Nothing I mess up will detract from Him. This means I am off the hook! He is unchanging and steadfast in the midst of calm and stormy seas. I can beat myself up pretty easily, but my inadequacies are accounted for. I can get angry at my spouse for not measuring up, but his inadequacies are accounted for too! It is far better for me to spend my days praying for my spouse, and loving him when he’s rude, or prideful, or awesome. For good or bad, we are on this earthly journey together.

It’s not my place to flog my husband for wrongdoing, or reward him for behaving well. It’s my place to pick him up when he falls, and love him regardless. I don’t want to mother him or monitor him, I want to encourage him—and to trust that God is working in his life with good things in mind for us.

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